I have felt led to share my story of paralyzing social and spiritual struggle and allow God to use it to unfold this wallflower and perhaps others who have had similar experiences.
While I have always been able to master the professional world and flourish--the social world and spiritual world--places I used to navigate with great ease-- have been places of pain and terror for me for the last 15 years.
I have recently realized that over the years I have allowed others to define me, hopped right in boxes that "I should" fit into and sealed myself right up... praying to be forgotten in some ways.
Much like my childhood days where I prayed that God would make me invisible to those bullying me, I have craved to be a wallflower...
To protect myself from the potential of being hurt.
The gut wrenching, can't run from hurt.
The hurt that somehow out of nowhere --despite my very honed skill of discernment--seems to knock the wind out of me...
Every. Single. Time.
It could be an unexpected stinging comment.
Regardless, I was now nice and content (and numb) in those boxes and as a flower firmly pressed against the wall --fooling myself into thinking that I had found solace from the pain of this world--only to be shocked when someone or something would pierce through my walls.
Social media has chipped away at this wall over the past few years--originally through Myspace (I know, but you were so hanging out there too back then) and then facebook, eventually my blog and now even twitter.
Then, like water finally breaking through the cracks of a dam, God allowed me to discover a piece of myself that has been missing for a very, very, very long time.
The only way I can describe it is... I saw the old me.
The me that wasn't scared of bullies.
The me that felt the warmth of God.
The me that was confident in herself, who she was and what she believed-- and willing to share, willing to be vulnerable again.
The me that could be myself regardless of who was in the room.
The me that was enough.
Enough to consider what others thought, but also enough to not let those thoughts define her.
And, then (and now) this wallflower began to unfold from 15 years of being locked tight...
So this is my journey in figuring out the difficult questions in life from the spiritual to the everyday to healing from the past and looking to the future.
I have always believed that God uses imperfect people and their stories to encourage others and make something beautiful out of ugly situations.
And, while I don't know where He is taking me on this journey, I know that giving it words, gives it power.