Monday, January 23, 2012

Raw

Long time no write... but that is ok.


I have always envisioned this blog as a place to come and share as inspired with no pressure.


So much has changed since June, but I will need to go back some time to elaborate on all of that...


In short, we found a church... an amazing fit for us that I am still shocked over and beyond thankful for...


God's timing is pretty amazing.


I am not sure I could have swung this winter without finally having the church piece of my puzzle figured out.


Last year was a funny year. In so many ways it was one of the most difficult of years, but then in other ways, I finally figured out major parts of my life at the same time... Come to think of it, perhaps those two things aren't so strangely linked after-all.


Regardless, winter has had me scared since last winter... 


I dreaded it all summer and come fall- my favorite season- I was nearly paralyzed.


Last winter was long and hard which caught me totally off-guard as someone who is usually upbeat without much effort. Then as winter finally broke, I was met with a spring miscarriage that wrecked me.


I keep thinking... wondering... why has this one been so much "harder" than the others, as if they are supposed to come with a pain meter and just stop hurting when enough is enough.


Raw.


That has been my word for months. I have just been raw. 


Not particularly about the specific loss... I really thought I had dealt with that part of it. Perhaps some of that grief was still lingering, but mainly I think it has been about not being able to make the choices in my life... silly as that sounds.

Raw.

Ever noticed how "raw" things aren't pretty... yeah, this wasn't either.

"When are you going to have another?"


How many times had I been asked that deceiving question by well meaning people? 


As if I ever had control. Who was I kidding?


Feelings, frustrations, the unknown all bubbling up right under the surface of a gaping wound... never but a fleeting thought away from bringing me to tears... out of no where.


No control. No plan. No next step. But plenty of tears... uncontrollable, unpredictable tears.


I hate crying... it creates a need in others to know what is wrong and when you don't have the answers to that question everyone is frustrated...


Life became a series of trying to keep it all under the surface until the next uncontrollable eruption of tears (read: embarrassment)...


Turns out that isn't exactly a great healing plan... ;)


One night I was watching Up and just lost it... to my defense, who doesn't cry at Up?


That was a breaking point though. I thought Puddie was going to worry himself to death if I didn't figure something out. So, I started talking to him more about it and pardon my term, but a scab began to heal over the wound... 


I would nick it every now and then and feel the sharpness of the pain, and occasionally I would feel things bubble up, but I was feeling better most days.


Winter loomed.


During this time we had been attending services at our new church non-stop and it was helping... I would still fight back the tears, but it got me back to praying, back to God... God... man have I missed Him.


Exhaustion.


The world doesn't stop (nor does it operate very well) when your world feels like it is crushing in and even as it has gotten better, I have never been so tired. 


I could sleep for days and never fully rest. 


Regardless, priorities had to be taken care of... I was committed to work and family... and both are rightfully demanding... rest could wait.


Then this past weekend, the sermon was about getting "stuck" and I knew my running days were over... 


I prayed. 


Hard.


I prayed for God to take my burden. I just couldn't take it anymore...






I went to bed and dreamed a vivid dream... I dreamed that someone from my past --from another stage of life-- came to visit me and as I walked out to greet this surprise visitor, they asked me what they were doing there...


Suddenly...


Click.


I knew and I told them.


They just stood there as I told them they were there to show me that heartbreak can be a step towards something beautiful. That God knew what He was doing and I could finally rest. He knew how to take something ugly and broken and use it to build something beyond my imagination. And they were sent as a reminder.


An unexpected messenger, but the exact message I needed.


It grounded me. Footing gained at last.


Something... Hope perhaps, was finally grasped.


I awoke. 


Rested. 


More rested that I have been in months.


Different. So different.


Finally at peace.


Months of turmoil. 


One prayer of surrender from a stubborn broken woman.


Peace.


Simple, complicated peace.


God is good.


 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."
-Matthew 11:28

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[a] have been called according to his purpose."

-Romans 8:28 

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you."

-Jeremiah 29:11-12